Holding onto Hope
Today has been rough. More difficult to get through. I find myself daydreaming more - imagining seeing Kyle on graduation day in his dress whites, kissing him for the first time in months, spending the weekend with him laughing, catching up, and just looking at him. I have been denied the privilege of seeing him for so long that I bet I’ll spend most of my time when we’re reunited just studying his face. I miss him everyday, but today was particularly more challenging to put my game face on and harness my anchorwife backbone.
I managed to get through my day at work with ease. It was a slow day at the pediatrics office and I was grateful. I fought the urge to let my mind wander to him, especially since I am trying to chose contentment. I need to learn to be content with the moments that God has gifted me and not waste days dreaming about being somewhere that God obviously thinks I shouldn’t be. If He wanted us together right now, we would be together right now. That was my mantra to bring my mind back to the paperwork pile that had piled up through my training. God gifted me a slow work day to catch up on this pile. And since I was trying not to daydream, I decided that if I needed to focus on something, I could hope that there was a letter waiting for me when I got back home.
The drive home was brutal – an hour and 20 minutes through a canyon. People honestly don’t know how to drive mountainous roads. And in Southern California at 5pm everyone and their mother are on the road trying to get home from work. So my drive home included a lot of stops because the line of cars in front of me thought that braking the entire way downhill would prevent accidents, not cause them. Needless to say, I drove past two car wrecks down the canyon. It took forever to get home but I was holding on to the hope that I had a letter waiting for me. I had to, I just had to…I needed something, anything, from my love.
Got home, walked straight to the mailbox, thumbed through the mail as I tried to open the front door and carry all my stuff in from the car. Initially I didn’t see a letter, but that could have been because my hands were full, right? Yes, that had to be why I couldn’t see a letter. After setting everything down and properly looking through the pile of mail, it became clear: no letter today.
Something I have learned through basic training is that in addition to being busy, it’s helpful to have distractions. On the car ride home, I made the decision that it didn’t matter if I had a letter waiting for me or not, I was going to go to the gym regardless. After discovering that in fact I was “letter-less” today, I locked it down emotionally by running upstairs and tying my circuit training shoes onto my weary feet. As I walked downstairs and passed the wretched mail pile (that I managed not to curse at) I focused on the workout ahead of me. I knew that it would be a good exercise sesh since I could channel my frustration on the circuit.
After hitting the gym (and believe me, it hit back) and returning home, I showered and started crying while washing my hair. Another thing I have learned in basic training is that I need to cry if I feel like I do. Showers are a great place to lose it since you’re already wet and in a private place. Plus when you walk out of the bathroom with a red face, everyone will think you just washed it (not that you didn’t just have a breakdown). Anyway, after praying and sobbing, I felt like Jesus wanted me to know that it’s difficult to have hope for tomorrow when I am so angry about the happenings of today. So I let it all go, and laid it all down before Him. He can’t comfort my heart unless I give it to Him.
My head will hit the pillow tonight grateful that God loves me and that he knows what He’s doing. I will also fall asleep hopeful that tomorrow, I will have a letter. And if I don’t, I’m sure the “letting go” process will come easier since I’m learning how to roll with the punches.
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.