As the departure date of my flight to Great Lakes approaches, I am beginning to feel like I cannot breathe and like I may puke non-stop till I see Kyle again. I feel so nervous, anxious, excited, and moderately worried. Honest to God, I feel more nervous than I did when I was counting down the days to our wedding in 2010. Back when we were preparing for our wedding ceremony and reception, we planned every small part of it together. When the big day finally came I had seen him everyday leading up to our meeting at the altar, and the nerves I experienced on July 11 were mostly excited ones. But these nerves…oh these nerves are quite different.
This may sound ridiculous, especially if you personally know Kyle and me (as individuals or as a couple) but I am so genuinely, terribly worried that we won’t have chemistry anymore. Our entire relationship from him starting to pursue me till literally the day he left for Basic Training was nothing but amazing. We truly were best friends, so in love with each other, and had chemistry in all areas. Our love for each other disgusted several people. We never were impatient with each other and we made each other laugh like no one else could. That boy still gives me butterflies and we’re separated by several states.
Our relationship as civilians was different than it has been while he’s away in Boot Camp. One difference is we used to tell each other everything since we saw each other everyday. We loved hearing and telling about all the parts of our days that the other missed, and now we only get (literally) a few phone calls in 9 weeks. We used to be able to not only go into full detail in our conversations, but we were able to talk in the privacy of our own home or on our own phones in our own cars. Now I never know when he will call, how much time he will be allowed to talk, and our conversations aren’t as vulnerable since he’s in a small room with guys behind him in line waiting to use the phone. He speaks really quietly and can’t tell me how he’s really feeling since everyone in the room can hear every syllable he says.
Since there’s still so much I don’t know about him and how he’s been, and since there’s so many things I’ve wanted to tell him but couldn’t, I feel like we aren’t as intimate as we were. I worry that when we are reunited that it will feel awkward and wrong. I worry that there will be less chemistry and that it will be a totally different relationship. I’m scared that we won’t have passion for each other as we did when we were civilians. I am scared that the NAVY may have changed his personality. What if he’s mean-spirited and impatient now? What if his sense of humor has changed and he just thinks I’m an idiot when I crack jokes? What if he’s not attracted to me anymore? Or what if I’m not attracted to him?
I know that all of those worries sound ridiculous to many of you, but if you were in my shoes right now and hadn’t seen or really spoken to your husband for nine weeks, I bet you’d be a blubbering, vulnerable, worried wife, too.