I’m Hopeless and Awkward and Desperate for Love!
Only fans of the show “Friends” (RIP) will know that the title of this entry is a direct quote from Joey Tribbiani. I feel like that statement COMPLETELY and thoroughly explains the state of my heart right now. It’s been exactly five weeks since I kissed the most perfect set of lips goodbye and my heart is so heavily homesick for my husband. He’s still out in Great Lakes waiting for his medical waiver and I’m stuck out in California. We both have been doing pretty well with this terrible distance and longing, and being able to talk everyday is very helpful. However, this past weekend was particularly rough for me and I was hopeful that my messy emotions would have worked themselves out by today…but alas, they’re still weighing down my usually blindly optimistic mind.
On Saturday I made the three and a half hour drive out to Laughlin, Nevada for what some would call a “family reunion.” I have been living out in Corona in Southern California (about 4 hours away from my beautiful hometown) with my husband’s parents. I kept pretty busy here with working, blogging, and keeping my mind occupied (still paddling) but I have not been really great about visiting Paso Robles (my sweetly quaint hometown in central California), my family, and my amazingly irreplaceable friends. So when my mom told me that they were planning a trip out to the desert to meet up with many of my extended family members to gamble and hang poolside last weekend, I knew I had to make that trip a priority. It wasn’t the beautiful coastal drive towards home, but it was a drive that would lead me to my family.
Like I’ve mentioned before, my family is not your typical military family who only prays for one enlistee. Obviously I have a sailor for a husband, but I have one brother who’s a soldier and another brother who’s an airman. We are incredibly proud of the men who serve our country with their roots set in our family. However, this season is especially difficult for us all since Kyle’s away in Illinois, and both of my brothers have orders to be deployed to Afghanistan in November. Both of my brothers. You can imagine the weight of that on us all. But Danny, my soldier brother, would be in Laughlin. That was reason enough for me to make that drive with a happy heart.
My family was refreshing. My mom’s sisters and their families are hilarious. It was such a blessing to just hang out by the pool and laugh, talk, and remark on how much we’ve all grown. For the first time in a while, I didn’t have any kind of an agenda. I didn’t have to be anywhere aside from scheduled family mealtimes. All I did was sit in a lounge chair and relax my head and laugh with my cousin Kathleen.
Before dinner, I headed up to our room to change into dinner clothes and out of nowhere I felt like I was going to lose it and lose it hard. I was completely unaware of how sad I was feeling. My mom could tell that something was wrong and when she asked I was puzzled myself. When I finally came up with an answer, the best response I could offer was simply, “I miss Kyle.”
Being with my family made me homesick for, well, my family. Kyle is my family. He is my best friend, my everything. I guess being around my aunts and cousins and their spouses, made me feel incomplete. I was suddenly aware of how I was missing half of myself. It’s probably really weird for y’all to try and understand, but that’s the best way I can explain it. We’ve definitely made the best out of this situation, but sometimes a huge heartbreak hits us both out of nowhere. I felt naked or like I was missing a limb. Living this way is hard and not many can do it, but honestly, there is something so wrong, so terribly wrong with living separated from your spouse. I freaking hate it. I know we would both feel differently about it if he were actually deployed, but we are both so over this situation. We’re not living together and he’s stateside. He’s not even in training. He’s just waiting. Waiting on a stupid medical waiver. He’s in Illinois. I’m in California. Wah.
So anyway, my weekend went on. I used my anchorwife backbone to put on a smile and treated my brother and sister (who turned 21 last month) to some cocktails and played the slots alongside them. We went to bed and enjoyed breakfast the next morning, and then I hit the road back to Corona. Once back, I ran errands, unpacked, did laundry and eventually ended up in my empty bed where I drifted off to sleep after some tears.
At work today, all I could think about was booking a flight out to Illinois. I didn’t care that it would be financially irresponsible. It wasn’t fair that all the other wives in the world get to see their husbands everyday and I get a 45 minute, non-private phone conversation with my husband who has to go sit outside in the 40 degree weather on the other side of the base where he gets some cell phone reception…if I’m lucky. As you can see, I am frustrated and my attitude sucks.
Anyway, after running a few dates and travel itineraries around, we decided to be responsible and not book a flight out of our desperation. If paying for the flight was the only expense, I’d be there twice a month. But after the flight, rental car, food, and hotel (even with military discounts), a two night stay would cost around $700. And we wouldn’t even be able to fall asleep together. He would have a curfew and I’d fall asleep alone, only that time in Chicago. Sigh.
So, there it is. I’m hopeless and awkward and desperate for love. Just like Joey. I think I’ll call it a night and bust out the ice cream. Maybe there’s a Friends re-run on. One can only hope.