Today, I made a statement that shocked me. My husband and I were texting each other when I asked him what he was up to.
Here’s our actual text thread:
I couldn’t believe that I responded like that. The thing that surprised me was that I actually meant it. You see, I have been so stressed out and worried and sad about so many different things in my life lately that trading places with Liam Neeson’s character in the movie The Grey sounds like a good distraction. Maybe finding myself in physical survival mode would snap me out of my emotional survival mode. Finding myself in those undesirable conditions may take my mind off my life. (For the record, I haven’t seen the movie so I cannot say with full confidence that I would really like to call tradesies with him.) So, after responding in such a shocking manner, I explained to my husband why I felt that way.
I actually made a list of all the reasons for my distress:
1I’m pretty much homeless right now. Most of everything I own is in storage in North Carolina, my husband is in Texas, and I’ve been living in people’s guestrooms for the past 20 weeks. I’m currently staying in my parent’s spare room and since they just recently moved (and down-sized), they haven’t acquired a guest bed yet. So, I’m 27 years old and I’m sleeping on an air mattress in my parents’ home.
2My husband picks orders soon, so we will be able to live with each other sometime next month! That’s exciting, but it is stressing me out since we have NO IDEA where they will station us. Are we staying in California, headed to Georgia, Japan, Guam, or Connecticut? Only God knows. But I like to plan and having no idea where I will call home makes my heart anxious.
3Thinking about moving next month stresses me out since, well, moving is stressful in general, right? I’m in California, my sailor’s in Texas and our stuff is in North Carolina. I know that the NAVY ships our stuff to us at no cost, but since it’s in storage on the other side of the country I don’t know if one of us needs to be there to open the unit for them to load it all in the truck, or if they can do it without us. Not knowing that stresses me out since that means I may need to buy a round-trip plane ticket from California to North Carolina so I can unlock the unit, on top of all the money I need to have saved up for our move. PLUS apparently it takes up to 2 months for your stuff to get to you when the NAVY moves it! So our new home will be completely empty till our stuff arrives…
4I’m worried that we won’t have enough money for a security deposit and first month’s rent on a place in time for our move on top of the money we need to set aside for us to get us to our new place (gas, lodging, food, and maybe even a plane ticket, see #3). And since we don’t know where we will be living, I have NO IDEA how much money that actually needs to be!
5Both of my brothers are in Afghanistan right now. Both of them. Let that sink in. My only brothers in the entire world are serving right now, together, in one of the most dangerous locations on this globe. You can imagine how my heart feels right now. All I can do is pray for them. And that stresses me out. I don’t know how safe they are, how often they get to relax, what kind of situations they’re finding themselves in, and what they are witnessing. I love my brothers with my whole heart and I’m so sick thinking about them so far from home during the holidays.
6Speaking of family being away during the holidays, Kyle won’t be here for Thanksgiving. I’m sad about that since we haven’t seen each other since the beginning of September and Turkey Day was meant to be our rendezvous. The next time we’ll see each other will be December 22 and we will most likely be in the process of moving. So I’m not sure where we will be celebrating Christmas. I hope it works out that we’re with family during that time, but it’s not guaranteed. We may be on a plane, in a hotel room, or an empty apartment during that most holy holiday. By the time the 22nd rolls around, it will have been 16 weeks since the last time we saw each other. We were prepared emotionally for seasons apart when he’d be deployed, but we’re apart right now and he’s stateside. It’s really lame and we’re both over it. But Thanksgiving isn’t happening anymore so I’m bummed.
7We still don’t have any bedroom furniture and my laptop has officially bit the dust. Originally we had financial plans that allowed for us to be debt free and have a grip of money in savings to pay for some new furniture and much needed technological upgrades. Since Kyle got a new job the moving plans have been accelerated but we’re not in the place we wanted to be financially. So it may take us a while to make our new place feel like home.
8We’ve decided that wherever we end up living, I will need to work or go back to school in order to better our financial situation. I’m not excited about that. All I want in this world is to be a mother and raise my kids. We were talking about starting a family around this time about 2 months ago. Now, it will most likely be YEARS before we get to grow our family. I think this is one of the larger stressors on my list.
9My skin is breaking out like crazy bad. I feel incredibly unattractive. Thinking about seeing my husband next month with skin like this makes me want to hide permanently under a rock.
10I feel incredibly lonely. I feel like no one can completely relate with how I am feeling and what I am going through.
After explaining all of this to Kyle, I felt like a huge weight was lifted off of me. Sometimes just talking about issues makes them seem less overwhelming. The best part about this list is that I now have a beautifully organized prayer list to bring before Jesus.
Looking at this list now, I’m having a somewhat huge revelation.
All of these issues relate to each other and have 2 common themes – family and home. I miss my husband and my brothers. I wish that we were all together for the holidays. I wish I had a home for those holiday events and that we all could be together in that home. I need furniture for my new home. I want my children fill that home. Aren’t these the cries of a woman? To make a lovely, comfortable place where she is known, loved, and feels like she can bless her family?
Now that I’ve thoroughly examined the sources of my distress, I no longer want to call tradesies with Mr. Neeson. I promise. Surviving a plane crash only to find myself surrounded by freezing temperatures and wolves doesn’t sound like an even trade.