I Refuse to Hate My Life
I’ve turned a leaf. A big, ugly, sloppy, lazy, depressing leaf.
Over the past month I have not been my energetic self. I have had hardly any desire to do anything. I’ve stayed in whatever I’ve slept in till I HAD to shower. I have mostly just watched “How I Met Your Mother” (or what I cleverly refer to as “Barney & Friends”) and Homeland most of the days. I go to bed late, sleep in, and just veg out all day long. I’ve known for a while what all this means, but I just couldn’t shake it.
I’ve been depressed.
I experienced depression before in High School. When I felt like this then, I was on anti-depressants and they honestly didn’t help. They made me feel weird and out of place, and in High School you don’t wanna add fuel to that self-esteem fire. Anyway, the depression was way more intense than it is now, and I felt like it would be better for me to just die. I refused to kill myself, but I honestly don’t think I would have fought to live if a bus slammed in to me or something. I just hated my life, the world, people in the world, and I remember sincerely hoping that I would just get snatched into Heaven. I was very smiley at school and had a ton of friends, then I would come home and just go straight into my bedroom and cry till dinner, come down and eat, then go back upstairs and cry till I fell asleep. Then I’d go to school and act like I was a normal girl, a happy normal girl, and return home to cry my eyes out. I was excellent at “fake it till ya make it.”
Fast forward to now. I don’t want to die. I would fight to live if a bus slammed into me. I have so many things I want to live for. However, I have been hiding from my friends and from Jesus. I evade simple questions like, “How are you doing,” because I can’t really fake it around my friends anymore. They know my history with depression, and honestly, I feel like God has changed me into a bad liar so I don’t have a repeat of 2001-2003. I simply cannot pretend that my life is fine, hang out with my friends and not be found out. They are too wise and will somehow make me talk about my feelings. So, my solution: Avoid them at all costs. Hide. If I hide, no one will talk to me about my life and how I feel about it. When I go to church functions or parties, I make sure to ask lots of questions about other people’s lives and hope that they don’t ask any about mine. If I’m asked, “how are you?” I respond with, “Good, I LOVE your shoes! Where’d ya get them?!” Smooth, right? And, when I pray, I focus on others and don’t sit and wait for God because I know that He’ll start to fix my heart. So I try my best to hide from Jesus, too.
However, I have made a decision. I refuse to hate my life.
Today, I am breaking the cycle. I have had enough of wallowing, focusing on all the negative things in my life, hiding from Jesus, living in seclusion from people who love me, and staying in my jammies all day. I will not call “tradesies“. Today, I will start a new routine. I will get dressed. Not because I have anywhere to be, but because that’s what you’re supposed to do. I will read my Bible and try my best to wait for God. I will cook healthy meals and go on a bike ride. I will see the Autumn sun and get out of my living room. I will pray throughout the entire day and I will find peace. I believe it. I feel like I have made the decision that the hiding and hating is over. I will conquer. I commit to call some friends to pray for me if it gets too hard to snap out of.